Another Secret Subject Swap!

Welcome to Take Two of August’s Secret Subject Swaps. This week, 13 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts. 

 

Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts.  Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there:

 

 

http://BakingInATornado.com                            Baking In A Tornado

http://dawnsdisaster.blogspot.com                    Dawn’s Disaster

http://www.theblacksheepmom.blogspot.com      Black Sheep Mom

http://indianamericanmom.com                         Indian American Mom

http://www.homeonderanged.com                      Home on Deranged

http://coachdaddyblog.wordpress.com                  Coach Daddy

http://www.justalittlenutty.com/                           Just A Little Nutty (Guest Post)            http://www.itsyummi.com                                   It’s Yummilicious

http://dates2diapers2.blogspot.com                       Dates 2 Diapers

http://www.rocksnosaltmommy.com/                     Rocks, No Salt Mommy

http://crazyasnormal.com                                     Crazy As Normal

http://ibddaddyandme.blogspot.com/                    IBD, Daddy and Me!

www.thatsuburbanmomma.com                           That Suburban Momma

 

                   

My subject is "The first time I met my significant other, I thought... " It was submitted by http://dawnsdisaster.blogspot.com.  Here goes: 

 

It's probably a more of a fun story to hear about what Censie's parents thought of me when they first saw me, but that is not the question.  I met my wife Censie at College in Seward, Nebraska.  It is funny we grew up about 30 minutes away from each other but in Colorado it was about a world apart and it took us going to Seward, Nebraska to meet. 

 

We were both in the DCE (Director of Christian Education) program at Concordia University which is a private Lutheran college.  We had gone on a retreat to a camp to do a service project.  It was fun because I instantly thought that she was HOT and really was attracted to her.  Then I found out that she was from Colorado so I got to use that to get to know her.  She was a grade younger than me so I had a car and a way to get home to Colorado so I got to use that to hit on her. 

 

It was funny because I had to wear a sleeveless shirt at the time you know I had to show off my tattoos.  She started talking to me about them and it came up that she had a tattoo and wow that was it for me I was hooked I have a thing for tattooed women.   It just added to her hotness.  Then from there the flirting started which I suck at, just ask her.  She had to explain to me how to spell her name because it is spelled differently Censie.  She had to write it on my shirt in paint and from that point on I had a huge crush on her.

When I met her though I was dating someone else but I always had a huge crush on her and also I was in a bad point in my life.  I had been going through a lot of issues but I was able to have her as a great friend at first and then I was lucky enough to call her my girlfriend, then my wife.  She has been a rock to me and I am so lucky to have her. 

This past year has been so hard on us, I am writing this post from the hospital and thinking back this is actually the second secret subject swap that I am posting from the hospital.  She has stood by me as I have dealt with my Ulcerative Colitis, my ileostomy surgery, anxiety, depression and everything in-between.  It is funny that this journey that has now taken us throughout ten years started at a service project retreat where we were painting a house.

Sometimes you never know why people are put in front of you but I am glad that we were put together on that day.  She has been an amazing wife and best friend and I am thankful for her everyday.  So yes it was love at first sight but it just took me a while to be able to act on that love!  Thank you for this subject and I hope that everyone enjoyed hearing our story.

Now when Censie's dad saw me I was running in front of him with blue hair, smoking, and loud music blaring and he turned to his brother in law and told him that he didn't think that I was going to make it very long there at school.  And now that person is his son in law so again don't judge a book by it's cover.  Thank you for reading!

But you don't look sick!

But you look healthy? 

 

This was something that I heard a lot of while I was sick with Ulcerative Colitis and while I have been dealing with my ostomy.  Invisible illnesses and disabilities can be some of the most difficult things to deal with.  If people can see that you look sick or that you need assistance from something they are more willing to understand and help out. 

I do not like showing off my ostomy bag so I do everything I can to conceal it when I go out.  Also it makes it easier for me if I have my bag secured to my stomach and do not have it just hanging, just think a bag of poop does get heavy after a while so I hold it up with a stomach wrap.  As you saw in my previous post just ask Jude about my bag and he will be more than happy to show it off to you.

The things that people do not understand are that when I was in a flair with ulcerative colitis I was going to the bathroom 20-40 times on a bad day.  Just so we can put that in perspective if I am up from 6am-10pm that is 16 hours.  So if you are going 20 times that is 1.25 times per hour and if it is really bad it's 2.5 times per hour.  I used to get so jealous of people saying that they only pooped once a day or even that they went every other day.  I was praying for several hours off from the bathroom.  Those were also the times that I made it to the bathroom, there were several times that I was running to the bathroom and didn't make it.  So much fun let me tell you when you are at work that you have to sneak out of the bathroom to your car to leave because you had an accident. 

So I went forward to have the surgery.  Now I am just waiting for the wound to heal.  I have been going to the doctor almost every day to have a wound cared for since January 9^th, and I have to pay a copay every time.  Now throw on top of this that I have a bag that I poop into and have to change every three days and I have to empty my bag usually about every four hours.  There is always the possibility that it might leak or pop off like it has when I stand up and get it caught on something.  I have to be careful lifting things so that I do not herniate my stoma.  Also because of my open wound I have to wear diapers ever day due to the wound trying to heal.  So with all of that going on I am to remain positive all the time despite the anxiety and depression that have come along with it and have been exasperated by the prednisone that I was on. 

Yes I am getting healthy and let me be the first to tell you I am very thankful for this but there are days that I wish I had been healthy enough not to have to have an ostomy.  So next time you see someone and just assume that because they look healthy and are not needing your assistance right away that they are ok and do not need a helping hand every now and then.  We all need some support every now and then.  I like to tell Jude all the time that even Superman and Spiderman need help from their friends every now and then. 

Daddy why do you have a bag?

Dad you have a bag?  This is a question that I hear pretty frequently now a day from my son Jude!  He knows that I have an ileostomy and that I now wear a bag on my stomach.  He always asks why do you have a bag?  I have to explain to him that daddy was sick in his tummy but that this has made daddy feel better.  He then goes into to explain to me that I have poop in my bag.  I am glad he at least knows what is going on with itJ

 

These are the things that you have to deal with sometimes when you are an ostomate and a parent.  It has been a pretty large life change for the past 6 months.  I went in to the hospital on January 9^th for my surgery and I have been living with my "bag" ever since, and will be living with it for the rest of my life. 

 

Physically I have been feeling better up until recently.  My wound had healed to the point that I didn't have to go to the doctor daily anymore on May 16^th, but then in the first week of June I had problems with it. They just thought that it was something minor but I went in on the 12^th of July and the wound has reopened.  We are not sure why but I have to go in daily again to have a nurse pack the wound with dressing.  Let me tell you it is a BLAST!  Not only did this take a hit on my physically but I would say more so emotionally and mentally.  It is hard dealing with this wound that does not appear to be healing.  Overall though physically I am much better.  I am able to go out and do things with everyone without having to worry about being sick.  I do have to worry about bags coming off or leaking oh and the fun alien noises it makes but so far those have been far less common then when I was really sick and in a flair.  It is nice being able to plan to use the bathroom besides having to run to the bathroom while squeezing your butt cheeks together praying to all that is holy that you make it in time!

 

I am able to wrestle around with Jude but he knows that he has to be careful of my tummy because I have a bag.  It is an experience trying to potty train a little boy and living with an ostomy because things are done so much differently than how he does things.  He is just very curious about it but is not shy about telling people about my bag or wanting to see my bag in public, yeah that’s a fun one!

 

Mentally I feel that it has been harder than anything else.  If you have spent much time with me you know that I can be a little obsessive compulsive but I am constantly checking my back to make sure it is not leaking.  It can get annoying for others and for myself.  I also have not been dealing well with the self-esteem pieces. This will come and I know it and I am working with a counselor for it but it is a hard thing to deal with having a "shit bag" attached to your stomach every day.  There are days that I am angry at having to have it but I am trying to remain positive and remember that I am healthier with a bag than I was without one.  Overall the past six months have been an up and down roller coaster at times but I am glad that I can smile with Jude when he walks up and wants to see my bag or says why do you have a bag?  I want a bag too daddy! And I can smile at him and say I hope he doesn't but knowing that love makes it worth it!

A Honest Confession!

I have a confession to make........

 

I don't always finish what I start!  I know that this may come as a shock to you but its the truth:( 

 

 

This is a thing that I feel that I have dealt with for quite some time.  It came up in counseling and so I took a look at my life and realize that there might be some truth to this.  I also have unrealistic definitions of success and failure.

 

I have a nasty habit of when I do something that I expect to be the best at it right away and if I am not then I am a failure.  It sounds odd when I type it out but its the truth. 

 

I own two guitars and I have a love of music and always wanted to learn how to play.  I can play some but when I couldn't play every song that I wanted I got disappointed and have stopped playing them.  I also did this when I wanted to learn how to play the harmonica. 

 

This blog has been one o those as well.  When I started it I thought that this was going to be something that people are going to go crazy over and when it wasn't an overnight success I put it on the back burner.  I apologize to everyone that has supported me with this for doing that. 

 

I promise that I am working on what my definitions of success an failure are.  I know that it is going to take some work and some recommitment but I need to continue to work at this.  For those of you that know me please help hold me responsible for finishing and following through with things.  I am working to better the person I am and this is just the start!  Thanks!

Jeremy

Houston We Have a Problem!

AHHHHHH!!!!  We Have a Problem!

 

So many of you may find this to be an odd post but Houston We have a Problem.  JUDE LIKES TO EAT MUSTARD!

 

I'm talking about the kind of mustard that looks like a yellow crayon vomited on his hot dog!

 

 

You know you do everything you can to try and teach your child well and then they go and do something like this.  At least on his hot dog he also enjoyed it with Ketchup and Sweet Relish but I need advice! 

 

How do I handle a mustard lover?  My father was so proud but I am struggling with how do we connect.  I am anti-mustard will this have an impact on our future food bonding?  I mean what is next putting it on hamburgers or sandwich's?  What does a first mustard experience lead to?  There are so many questions I have about what to expect with a child who uses mustard?

 

If you can please send me any experience I would appreciate it! 

 

Ketchup lovers of the world unite!  

A Quick Look Into My Brain! (Buckle up!)

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.”
― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

The definition of Depression is as follows:

1. Severe despondency and dejection, accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy.

2. A condition of mental disturbance, typically with lack of energy and difficulty in maintaining concentration or interest in life.

I however would describe it as a nasty snake that can creep in and wrap itself around you and it will easily consume you before you even know it is there.  This snake as I like to call it has had a major impact on my life for quite some time, now whether or not I want to admit it is a whole different story.

              Growing up mental health was not something that was talked about or even I feel accepted in my family.  If you were felt different you didn’t talk about it you didn’t go see someone you just dealt with it.  Now this may have been only my perceived impression of how it was handled, but then again this is my blog and that is how I felt!

              I think that there are many people who have a negative view of depression and that they feel that all I do is sit around my house in a robe eating and crying.  I can let you know that is not the case.  I get up I go to work everyday and I come home and spend time playing with my family but mentally I do struggle with this.  It is a challenge that I fight every day that no one sees, I wish I could let people see it because then I think that it would be understood more but sadly I can’t put a projector on my brain and let you see what is going on in there.

              It's funny in many ways how many people will say things negatively about depression without knowing that they are talking to someone who is dealing with the same illness they are talking poorly about.  It took me a while and a lot of encouragement from my wonderful wife Censie but I started seeing a therapist and it has helped.  Now it's not like walking in having an epiphany and then I am all done but it is an ongoing battle of ups and downs where there are days that I feel great and then days that I feel like total shit.  I think that having my surgery has been hard for me mentally even though I feel healthy I am still adjusting to having a bag on my stomach for the rest of my life.  So this is something that I will continually look in the face and know that it is a part of me but it is not something that will consume me for the rest of my life.  I need to be present for my children and for my family!

“Man is not worried by real problems so much as by his imagined anxieties about real problems”
― Epictetus

The definition of Anxiety is as follows:

1   A feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.

2.  Desire to do something, typically accompanied by unease.

              Now I compared depression to a snake that wraps itself around you where now I will compare Anxiety a little pesky worm inside your brain hopped up on speed making sure that you worry about everything.  In my case I worry about pretty much everything at all times.  So lets recap I have a snake holding me down and a worm making sure that I worry about every small detail about everything.

              If you have known me for any part of my life you could probably easily see me as being a pretty anxious person.  I get really bad social anxiety at this point as well.  Some of my anxiety stems from IBD.  I would always worry about what if eat something that makes me sick, where is the bathroom, are people counting how many times I go to the bathroom, and do people think I am making myself sick?  Now I worry about is my bag going to pop off, do people think that I smell, what are people thinking about me? 

              I also have a strong desire to make everyone like me and I cannot handle thinking that people are mad at me.  My coworkers know this now about me and it has become a joke that someone is just going to come up and say they are mad at me because they know I will not be able to let it go.  I worry about how people look at me and if they are judging me or if I did something to make them upset.  I worry about what people think about how me, how I look how I act.  It's like running a sprint all the time in my brain and it can be exhausting at times. 

              Luckily Censie has stood by me through all of these challenges because my Depression and my Anxiety were exasperated these last three years in dealing with my Ulcerative Colitis. 

              I am writing this post not to get people to feel sorry for me but to make mental health more normal and show an insight into my world.  I constantly hear bad things about people with mental health or that we must be weak if we go to counseling.  I would say the opposite.  I think that it takes a ton of strength to go to someone and admit that you need help and that you need support.  I want to make sure that neither of my children ever feels bad about being down on themselves or being nervous but if it becomes a huge issue in your life then you need to go and seek out support. 

Trying to Get Back in a Routine!

How is it April already?

 This month was supposed to be my first month back to work after my surgery!  I had all these grandiose plans of getting back into a routine and just moving forward, we all know how well that has been working! 

 

I went back to work for two weeks and then ended up in the hospital for another week which mentally set me back and we had to keep moving forward at this point.  I went in for another surgery for them to clean the wound and then was discharged thankfully and able to return home.

 

So I decided to start again this week and we were going to get back to a routine.  Luckily I survived this week despite some saddening news at this point in my recovery.  So I have been meeting with my regular surgeon every week and he told me that at this point he is seeing limited healing in the wound, the wound looks good but it is not healing as well as it should be.  Last week he talked to me about meeting with a plastic surgeon.  He said that they were talking about removing muscle from my leg and then filling the wound with that muscle.  This is how it has been described to me thus far.  I am meeting with the plastic surgeon Thursday of this week.  My doctor told me that I would be looking at another 3-4 day hospital say.  As Censie says we all know how my body responds so we will plan a week.  I have mixed emotions about this on one hand it would heal the wound then the other hand it is another surgery and another hospital stay.  You know what is another hospital stay when you have spent 26 days in the hospital over the past four months!!!

 

Luckily this week I got to be home and was able to go to Jude's first soccer practice.  He had a great time and did so well for one of the youngest kids out there.  Now he is not the smallest kid out there but is one of the youngest.  It was nice to be able to get out and play with him, however running for the first time with my ileostomy was a little weird and is going to take some getting used to. 

 

 

Then on Saturday after my daily visit to the nurse, yes those are still going on I have no idea when it is going to ever end!  We went and did Easter Egg Scramble.  Jude had fun even though we only came home with one Twizzler and one empty egg.  He did really good being patient.  This is one of my favorite pictures!

 

 

Then on Sunday we went to church and then hunted for more Easter Eggs.  We had a great time playing and eating candy throughout the day, whoops daddy has a sweet tooth.  Then later in the evening he crashed, I got to cuddle with my little boy, not something that happens very often any more.  It was nice being able to have a day where I didn't have to worry about my ileostomy or having to go the doctor.

 

I am really hoping that I will be able to have more days like this but I will know more on Thursday.  I will make sure to keep everyone up to date on what is going on and if I am going to have to have another surgery.  Thank you all!