Another Secret Subject Swap!

Welcome to Take Two of August’s Secret Subject Swaps. This week, 13 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts. 

 

Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts.  Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there:

 

 

http://BakingInATornado.com                            Baking In A Tornado

http://dawnsdisaster.blogspot.com                    Dawn’s Disaster

http://www.theblacksheepmom.blogspot.com      Black Sheep Mom

http://indianamericanmom.com                         Indian American Mom

http://www.homeonderanged.com                      Home on Deranged

http://coachdaddyblog.wordpress.com                  Coach Daddy

http://www.justalittlenutty.com/                           Just A Little Nutty (Guest Post)            http://www.itsyummi.com                                   It’s Yummilicious

http://dates2diapers2.blogspot.com                       Dates 2 Diapers

http://www.rocksnosaltmommy.com/                     Rocks, No Salt Mommy

http://crazyasnormal.com                                     Crazy As Normal

http://ibddaddyandme.blogspot.com/                    IBD, Daddy and Me!

www.thatsuburbanmomma.com                           That Suburban Momma

 

                   

My subject is "The first time I met my significant other, I thought... " It was submitted by http://dawnsdisaster.blogspot.com.  Here goes: 

 

It's probably a more of a fun story to hear about what Censie's parents thought of me when they first saw me, but that is not the question.  I met my wife Censie at College in Seward, Nebraska.  It is funny we grew up about 30 minutes away from each other but in Colorado it was about a world apart and it took us going to Seward, Nebraska to meet. 

 

We were both in the DCE (Director of Christian Education) program at Concordia University which is a private Lutheran college.  We had gone on a retreat to a camp to do a service project.  It was fun because I instantly thought that she was HOT and really was attracted to her.  Then I found out that she was from Colorado so I got to use that to get to know her.  She was a grade younger than me so I had a car and a way to get home to Colorado so I got to use that to hit on her. 

 

It was funny because I had to wear a sleeveless shirt at the time you know I had to show off my tattoos.  She started talking to me about them and it came up that she had a tattoo and wow that was it for me I was hooked I have a thing for tattooed women.   It just added to her hotness.  Then from there the flirting started which I suck at, just ask her.  She had to explain to me how to spell her name because it is spelled differently Censie.  She had to write it on my shirt in paint and from that point on I had a huge crush on her.

When I met her though I was dating someone else but I always had a huge crush on her and also I was in a bad point in my life.  I had been going through a lot of issues but I was able to have her as a great friend at first and then I was lucky enough to call her my girlfriend, then my wife.  She has been a rock to me and I am so lucky to have her. 

This past year has been so hard on us, I am writing this post from the hospital and thinking back this is actually the second secret subject swap that I am posting from the hospital.  She has stood by me as I have dealt with my Ulcerative Colitis, my ileostomy surgery, anxiety, depression and everything in-between.  It is funny that this journey that has now taken us throughout ten years started at a service project retreat where we were painting a house.

Sometimes you never know why people are put in front of you but I am glad that we were put together on that day.  She has been an amazing wife and best friend and I am thankful for her everyday.  So yes it was love at first sight but it just took me a while to be able to act on that love!  Thank you for this subject and I hope that everyone enjoyed hearing our story.

Now when Censie's dad saw me I was running in front of him with blue hair, smoking, and loud music blaring and he turned to his brother in law and told him that he didn't think that I was going to make it very long there at school.  And now that person is his son in law so again don't judge a book by it's cover.  Thank you for reading!

A Quick Look Into My Brain! (Buckle up!)

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.”
― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

The definition of Depression is as follows:

1. Severe despondency and dejection, accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy.

2. A condition of mental disturbance, typically with lack of energy and difficulty in maintaining concentration or interest in life.

I however would describe it as a nasty snake that can creep in and wrap itself around you and it will easily consume you before you even know it is there.  This snake as I like to call it has had a major impact on my life for quite some time, now whether or not I want to admit it is a whole different story.

              Growing up mental health was not something that was talked about or even I feel accepted in my family.  If you were felt different you didn’t talk about it you didn’t go see someone you just dealt with it.  Now this may have been only my perceived impression of how it was handled, but then again this is my blog and that is how I felt!

              I think that there are many people who have a negative view of depression and that they feel that all I do is sit around my house in a robe eating and crying.  I can let you know that is not the case.  I get up I go to work everyday and I come home and spend time playing with my family but mentally I do struggle with this.  It is a challenge that I fight every day that no one sees, I wish I could let people see it because then I think that it would be understood more but sadly I can’t put a projector on my brain and let you see what is going on in there.

              It's funny in many ways how many people will say things negatively about depression without knowing that they are talking to someone who is dealing with the same illness they are talking poorly about.  It took me a while and a lot of encouragement from my wonderful wife Censie but I started seeing a therapist and it has helped.  Now it's not like walking in having an epiphany and then I am all done but it is an ongoing battle of ups and downs where there are days that I feel great and then days that I feel like total shit.  I think that having my surgery has been hard for me mentally even though I feel healthy I am still adjusting to having a bag on my stomach for the rest of my life.  So this is something that I will continually look in the face and know that it is a part of me but it is not something that will consume me for the rest of my life.  I need to be present for my children and for my family!

“Man is not worried by real problems so much as by his imagined anxieties about real problems”
― Epictetus

The definition of Anxiety is as follows:

1   A feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.

2.  Desire to do something, typically accompanied by unease.

              Now I compared depression to a snake that wraps itself around you where now I will compare Anxiety a little pesky worm inside your brain hopped up on speed making sure that you worry about everything.  In my case I worry about pretty much everything at all times.  So lets recap I have a snake holding me down and a worm making sure that I worry about every small detail about everything.

              If you have known me for any part of my life you could probably easily see me as being a pretty anxious person.  I get really bad social anxiety at this point as well.  Some of my anxiety stems from IBD.  I would always worry about what if eat something that makes me sick, where is the bathroom, are people counting how many times I go to the bathroom, and do people think I am making myself sick?  Now I worry about is my bag going to pop off, do people think that I smell, what are people thinking about me? 

              I also have a strong desire to make everyone like me and I cannot handle thinking that people are mad at me.  My coworkers know this now about me and it has become a joke that someone is just going to come up and say they are mad at me because they know I will not be able to let it go.  I worry about how people look at me and if they are judging me or if I did something to make them upset.  I worry about what people think about how me, how I look how I act.  It's like running a sprint all the time in my brain and it can be exhausting at times. 

              Luckily Censie has stood by me through all of these challenges because my Depression and my Anxiety were exasperated these last three years in dealing with my Ulcerative Colitis. 

              I am writing this post not to get people to feel sorry for me but to make mental health more normal and show an insight into my world.  I constantly hear bad things about people with mental health or that we must be weak if we go to counseling.  I would say the opposite.  I think that it takes a ton of strength to go to someone and admit that you need help and that you need support.  I want to make sure that neither of my children ever feels bad about being down on themselves or being nervous but if it becomes a huge issue in your life then you need to go and seek out support. 

2012 What A Year!

2012 You Win!

 

I have been sitting here for the past couple of days thinking about how do I write a creative post for my first review of a past year  I have read over many blogs and have seen how many people have done their review, but I want to try and be somewhat original in my post.  I am still working on trying to find my blogging voice as many have said but I just started this blog fully a couple of months ago so I think that it will be coming so watch out!

 

 

This year has definitely been filled with its ups and downs.  We found out earlier this year that we were expecting our second child, as you know this was a huge point of excitement for Censie and I.  The pregnancy was not easy by any means but we welcomed Teagan on 10/20/12 and she is a beauty.  I consider myself very blessed to be the father to two wonderful children.  Now next years blog could be about the challenges of having two children and all that those things mean.

 

Jude had a good year, even had his first broken bone.  Have to love how kids want to put their fingers in doors.   The way that Jude is I have a feeling that we will probably be at the doctors for these types of things in the past.  He is pure boy and likes to be rough and tumble.  We celebrate his second birthday with a train themed birthday party, he loves his "Choo-Choos".  We were lucky enough to have my parents come out for the birthday party and Jude loved having both of his Grrrrmama's and Pa's at his birthday party.

 

Sadly we lost my Papa three days before Teagan was born.  This was a difficult and trying time for me. I was very saddened by the lost of my Papa but then also taking in the excitement of my daughter being born.  We knew that he had been sick for quite some time, but as everyone knows it does not make the passing any easier.  I continue to miss him and wish that he could have been here longer but know that he is watching over my family and I an is no longer in pain.

 

The last couple of months of this year as you can tell kicked our family's butt.  We had the death, the birth, the funeral, then Censie got sick and needed surgery, then I got sick and ended up in the hospital.  Censie's surgery went well and she was able to recover but during that time my Ulcerative Colitis flared up and I ended up in the hospital again.  We decided to move forward with the surgery option at this point for my Ulcerative Colitis and had a plan and were hoping to make it through the Holidays.  We made it to the 27th and then I ended up in the hospital again that is where this great post is being written from. 

 

This year has been very tough for health but the good news is that it seems like we will be starting 2013 moving forward.  I will be having a total proctocolectemy on January 9th.  Now I know that this is going to have its challenges because I will have a permanent Ostomy, a "Crap" bag as Censie calls it.  I am ready for these challenges and am ready to be healing and not just trying to maintain without any success.  This illness has run my life for the last three years and I am ready to grab life back and take it and run.

 

I am so excited for this upcoming year of hopefully good health and being able to have a life again.  Censie and I will be celebrating our 10 year anniversary this year, it is amazing!  We are trying to find something special to do.  I am hoping that we will be able to go up to the mountains more this summer with the family so that I can go fishing with Jude and teach him about my love of fishing.  I am excited to see my family grow and the children grow upand be more active with us.  I have a lot to smile about despite some of the low points of this year.  I hope that everyone has an amazing new year and a great 2013!!

 

 

 



Does Anyone Have a Map?

There are many times in life that I wish that it came with a Map on which to go.  This time is no different than others and I wish that I had a map more now than ever.  These last six weeks have been crazy busy and a lot has gone on, you can read about those in my other Update Post.  I am still in the hospital, this is only day three but if you have ever been in the hospital it feels like forever.  I hate when I don't look sick and start to feel better just have to stay in my room because I need to have Prednisone administered through IV so that I can feel better.

 

I have been in the hospital for a Ulcerative Colitis Flair.  I was having 18 bowel movements a day with quite a bit of bleeding.  I was trying to stay healthy so that I could take care of Censie after she had her surgery, but my body decided that it didn't want to allow that.  This has been something that has been a concern for my family the entire time that I have been dealing with this illness.  I finally got the call from my doctor that I needed to come into the hospital. 

 

After I came in they did another colonoscopy, this is number 11 in three years.  That is a lot but it could be worse but it is not something that I look forward to doing.  I had a flexible sigmoidoscopy in September, this is a colonoscopy but not as invasive, and it showed that I was healing.  During this check up it showed that I have moderate to severe Ulcerative Colitis throughout 2/3rds of my colon.  This shows that the medicine that I was on was not working and that it was not keeping my body out of a flair, which it should be.

 

So why do I want a map?  Censie, my family and I are going to be faced with a huge decision that is going to affect our family for the rest of our lives.  We have the possibility of trying one more medication.  This medication also comes with the possibility for a lot of negative side effects and my doctor has described it as a "Hail Mary" attempt at stopping my Ulcerative Colitis.  The other option which would cure my Ulcerative Colitis would be surgery.

There are two different options for surgery to take care of Ulcerative Colitis.  The first one would be a total colectomy which would remove my entire Colon and then they would give me a stoma with an ileostomy bag for the rest of my life.  If we go with this option it is not reversible.  This would be difficult as I would have to get use to having a bag for the rest of my life but would also cure all and I could move forward.

The second option would be to have them construct a J-Pouch which would be an internal pouch but would require two surgeries.  They have stated that I am younger and that I don't want to have an ostomy bag for the rest of my life but it is something to consider.  If I do the J-Pouch there is the possibility of developing Pouchitis and having to have that treated. There is also the possibility that it will fail and then they would have to do the ileostomy anyways.  Also if they do the J-Pouch you still have to go to the restroom 4-8 times per day, I know that is an improvement but still it would be difficult to have to deal with. 

I was going to post images but I figured that would be going to far.  So as you can see there are a lot of things that we have to think about and then hopefully make the right choice.  Please continue to keep my family in your thoughts and prayers as we make these decisions and I hope that the Map we decide to follow leads us to a great place!

UPDATE!
So I wrote this while I was in the hospital and was waiting trying to figure out what direction I was going to go with my health.  I met with my doctor and she felt that the medicine that we had discussed was not going to be an option for me.  She has recommended the surgery  She has stated that the J-Pouch Surgery was not an option for myself.  My body is just to severely infected, especially my rectum, yes I said rectum :)  I also have had issues even when my colon is doing well so at this point I will be meeting with a surgeon to have a total colectomy and having a permanent Ileostomy with a bag for the rest of my life.  I am nervous about this and know that this is just the beginning of this journey but I will keep everyone updated and share my thoughts as we travel on this road together.  Thank

My Rock!

My Rock!

They always say behind a great man is a great woman! I would say in my case there is no better statement.  My poor wife Censie has been put through the gamut over the past three years and yet she is always standing there smiling.  I cannot thank her enough for all of her continued support and love.

We knew when I got this diagnosis of Ulcerative Colitis that we were going to have a long road ahead of us but I don't think we knew how bumpy this road was going to be and how long it actually was.  We started this journey back in 2009 when I got my diagnosis.  She was there by my side while I did my first colonoscopy prep, she went and bought me a movie to watch, sadly we didn't know that I wasn't going to watch any of it.  She came with me and sat there by my side as we heard the diagnosis.

Censie has been with me to multiple doctor appointments and been there with me as I am told over and over again that we are trying a new medication and the possible side effects that it may have on me.  I have been on Prednisone for 2 1/2 years and gained 70lbs while on this medication.  It also increased my anxiety.  Now if you have ever met me in person you know that I am a anxious person in general but my Anxiety has just gotten worse.  It took a long time for me to admit how my anxiety and depression affected my family but Censie has always been there for me.  We have had our ups and downs and I am still learning about how it affects me but it is a work in progress. I have a history of shutting down when I get anxious and also always fear for the worst, which doesn't help my gut issues.

Censie has always supported me in the directions that I want to go and has never left me hanging by myself.  She has provided me with two beautiful children, thankfully they have their mom's good looks and hopefully they have their mom's colon as well and not mine.  She provides me with love and support and help in any endeavor that we face.  I have never been concerned about what is ahead of us because I know that I have her by my side. 

This month has a been a prime example of everything.  Three days before Teagan was born my "Papa" passed away, this was a huge hit on my emotions.  Teagan was then born and then the next week my parents were out here for a funeral, she did not complain she welcomed it with open arms.  Then she got sick and ended up having to have her gallbladder removed.  The days leading up to this she had my parents and grandmother out here for thanksgiving and then put on an awesome baptism for Teagan.  I then started feeling sick, as much as I tried to keep my body from doing it I just kept getting sicker and sicker.  I kept worrying about leaving her at home but she kept encouraging me to take care of myself.  She never was upset about me coming to the hosptial she just wants me to get better and does not want me worrying about what is going on.  She has always been there with a smile on her face encouraging me to get better. 

We know that we possibly have the decision about surgery coming up and she has stood beside me through everything and keeps me positive as I get down about myself.  I know that she will support me through everything and we will get past these hurdles that we have had. I know without her I would have already stumbled and failed but I am where I am at because of her!  I cannot thank her enough for her awesome support I hope that this is just a beginning in me continuing to tell her how much she means to me and how much I love her!  Thank you Censie!

Amazing Family Time!

I LOVE SPENDING TIME WITH MY FAMILY!!!!

I have to say I have had two amazing days these last two days.  Yesterday Censie and I decided that we wanted to take Jude to the zoo.  It was a little cooler but Jude loved it because the animals were up and moving around a lot more.  Jude did really good and he walked quite a bit and held onto my hand most of the time very well.  

Censie and I rode the train with Jude at the zoo.  He had a great time he loves the "choo-choo."  

It was a special day and I got to ride the Carousel with Jude.  He wanted to ride a cheetah, we had seen them earlier in the day.

Then since today is Columbus day I got to stay home with him and hang out with him for the day.  We slept in and then hung out and watched some of his shows.  

 Jude helped me make waffles this morning for breakfast in his pajamas, he had fun stirring the batter.  We then got dressed and played with toys and then we headed out to one of his favorite places, Chuck E. Cheese.  

Jude had fun dancing with the Big Chuck E. Cheese while we were there because they gave out free tickets to the kids dancing, he even got a hug from Chuck E. Cheese.

Jude had fun riding his rides and playing his games, he got to ride in a monster truck there today. 

He loves eating their pizza there, it is not great but it is good for lunch.  We ate our pizza and played more games he had a great time.  He was so tired he didn't make it home before he fell asleep.  It was such a great weekend.  I am so lucky that I get to be a dad to such a wonderful boy and a husband to such a wonderful woman.  We had a great time this weekend with him.  He makes me smile so much and knows how to make me smile and laugh,  Again I am one lucky man!!!