Success in the face of anxiety!

Anxiety!

According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (http://www.adaa.org/) there are about 40 million adults in the United States living with anxiety.  I am one of those 40 Million and I am pretty sure that my son will be one of those as well.  Anxiety can be very mild but it can also be to the point where it consumes your entire being.  

I want to preface this post with the fact that my son has never formally been diagnosed with anxiety but he is only 5 years old.  That being said we know that I have been diagnosed with sever anxiety, this became fully apparent as I was dealing with my Ulcerative Colitis diagnosis and my ileostomy surgery.  Often times I see so much of myself in Jude and his behaviors.  The downfall to all of this is that you can see Jude getting anxious in many situations and that just sends my anxiety into a downward spiral as well and I am still learning to handle this.  

I was so proud of him this weekend and all of the things that he was able to accomplish despite his anxiety.  Jude has been in Tae Kwon Do for quite some time now and has been doing pretty well.  Just recently they moved him up to a more advanced class.  In this class he is the youngest one in his class, and this has been a struggle for him.  Also if you have ever met my son he likes to talk all the time, I know there are many parents who say this, but seriously the child never stops talking.  

This weekend he had to complete his first testing in his higher level class.  This made me anxious because its a TEST.  That word in and of itself causes anxiety.  The class went through all the pieces that he was going to be tested on and it was a lot of information.  They told us that he had to complete the first 14 moves of a form by himself.  This was something I was very concerned that he was not going to be able to complete.  He had to know the form as well as piece them together and complete them in sequence .  This also was going to be done in front of many other students and parents.  

We practiced many times and worked very hard.  Despite all the preparation you could see the anxiety building and it all came out on Friday.  I had been out on a business trip and when I returned I asked him if he wanted to practice because we had to make sure we were ready and out came the tears.  He was so nervous and anxious the only way he could express it was having multiple huge tantrums.  I honestly had my doubts and was worried that he wasn't going to move up.  

With all of that being said though we woke up Saturday morning and went to his testing.  We were one of the first ones there and did a couple of run-throughs and then came the moment that he was out there on the floor and he was in control of how everything went.  I was a wreck, I was nervous, and I was horribly anxious.  Jude however stepped up to the plate went out there and KILLED IT!  He went out with his class and stepped up to the challenge and completed every move.  I was so proud  of him.  I cannot express how excited I was to see him succeed.  He worked hard and was able to control his brain as we describe it and succeeded.  I hope that this is the first of many successes for him, however I know that all of his successes are going to come with many challenges but we will work through it and I know we will learn from each other.  There are many more celebratory Slurpees to come!

Here he is with his new belt and our Slurpee!  I am so proud of you Jude!

Up, Up and Away!

Jude's 4th Birthday is coming up and I am trying to figure out if this is a good birthday present that I want to get him.

I want to get him a model rocket kit!

I spent a ton of time as a child building these rockets and sending them to the sky and being amazed that I launched a rocket.  Jude is really into science and I think that this could be a fun thing to do with him and we have a huge park next to our house, a perfect launching spot.

I have looked into these and they say that they are meant for children ages 10 and up but I think that with me doing it with him it could be a fun learning experience for him.  What do you think?  Do you think that this is an appropriate gift for a 4 year old? 

Did My Son Just Ask Me That?

HELP MY SON JUST ASKED ME A QUESTION I WAS NOT READY FOR!?!?!?!

So Jude and I had a great father son day on Saturday.  He helped me mow the lawn we goofed off some and then we went to go watch Jude's first Rugby match with some friends!  I was pumped!

As we were driving Jude was doing what he normally does he was asking me questions about everything!  He was wanting to know who my friend was that we were meeting.  How do you play rugby?  Is it going to be nice out? Where do babies come from and how do they get out of mommies tummy?

What?!?!? 

Did we just go from how do you play rugby to where do babies come from and how do they get out of mommies tummy?  I was shocked and didn't know how to answer this.  Jude must have recognized I wasn't ready because he didn't ask again and went on to other questions!  I mean give a warning.  Shoot up a signal flare that we are going to be asking about that!  You have to love a three year old's curiosity.  

I sent Censie a text about it and all she could do was laugh.  Not fair!  

Oh the joys of being a parent!

A Quick Look Into My Brain! (Buckle up!)

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.”
― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

The definition of Depression is as follows:

1. Severe despondency and dejection, accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy.

2. A condition of mental disturbance, typically with lack of energy and difficulty in maintaining concentration or interest in life.

I however would describe it as a nasty snake that can creep in and wrap itself around you and it will easily consume you before you even know it is there.  This snake as I like to call it has had a major impact on my life for quite some time, now whether or not I want to admit it is a whole different story.

              Growing up mental health was not something that was talked about or even I feel accepted in my family.  If you were felt different you didn’t talk about it you didn’t go see someone you just dealt with it.  Now this may have been only my perceived impression of how it was handled, but then again this is my blog and that is how I felt!

              I think that there are many people who have a negative view of depression and that they feel that all I do is sit around my house in a robe eating and crying.  I can let you know that is not the case.  I get up I go to work everyday and I come home and spend time playing with my family but mentally I do struggle with this.  It is a challenge that I fight every day that no one sees, I wish I could let people see it because then I think that it would be understood more but sadly I can’t put a projector on my brain and let you see what is going on in there.

              It's funny in many ways how many people will say things negatively about depression without knowing that they are talking to someone who is dealing with the same illness they are talking poorly about.  It took me a while and a lot of encouragement from my wonderful wife Censie but I started seeing a therapist and it has helped.  Now it's not like walking in having an epiphany and then I am all done but it is an ongoing battle of ups and downs where there are days that I feel great and then days that I feel like total shit.  I think that having my surgery has been hard for me mentally even though I feel healthy I am still adjusting to having a bag on my stomach for the rest of my life.  So this is something that I will continually look in the face and know that it is a part of me but it is not something that will consume me for the rest of my life.  I need to be present for my children and for my family!

“Man is not worried by real problems so much as by his imagined anxieties about real problems”
― Epictetus

The definition of Anxiety is as follows:

1   A feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.

2.  Desire to do something, typically accompanied by unease.

              Now I compared depression to a snake that wraps itself around you where now I will compare Anxiety a little pesky worm inside your brain hopped up on speed making sure that you worry about everything.  In my case I worry about pretty much everything at all times.  So lets recap I have a snake holding me down and a worm making sure that I worry about every small detail about everything.

              If you have known me for any part of my life you could probably easily see me as being a pretty anxious person.  I get really bad social anxiety at this point as well.  Some of my anxiety stems from IBD.  I would always worry about what if eat something that makes me sick, where is the bathroom, are people counting how many times I go to the bathroom, and do people think I am making myself sick?  Now I worry about is my bag going to pop off, do people think that I smell, what are people thinking about me? 

              I also have a strong desire to make everyone like me and I cannot handle thinking that people are mad at me.  My coworkers know this now about me and it has become a joke that someone is just going to come up and say they are mad at me because they know I will not be able to let it go.  I worry about how people look at me and if they are judging me or if I did something to make them upset.  I worry about what people think about how me, how I look how I act.  It's like running a sprint all the time in my brain and it can be exhausting at times. 

              Luckily Censie has stood by me through all of these challenges because my Depression and my Anxiety were exasperated these last three years in dealing with my Ulcerative Colitis. 

              I am writing this post not to get people to feel sorry for me but to make mental health more normal and show an insight into my world.  I constantly hear bad things about people with mental health or that we must be weak if we go to counseling.  I would say the opposite.  I think that it takes a ton of strength to go to someone and admit that you need help and that you need support.  I want to make sure that neither of my children ever feels bad about being down on themselves or being nervous but if it becomes a huge issue in your life then you need to go and seek out support. 

Let the Journey Begin!

So I know that I have been MIA for the last couple of weeks.  As many of you know my family and I have engaged in a huge journey.  I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis in 2009 and it has come to an end here in 2013.

 

I am going to be doing a series of blogs about the proctocolectemy surgery that I had on 1/9/2013, the day I was cured of ulcerative colitis.  This is how I am viewing it, as you will hear throughout the next couple of weeks, as I am at home recovering from surgery and processing what has changed.  I AM going to remain optimistic about this process and will view it as I am CURED of this illness and I get my life back.  Now I know that this is going to come with many lumps and bumps, lucky you guys are the ones that get to hear about them, but I know that we made the right choice.

 

So this journey began on the weekend on January 5th.  This was my last weekend of solid food before I had to do the prep for the surgery.  Censie was great we went out to dinner a couple of times and spent some time with the kiddos.  It was a great "last" weekend, I cannot thank her enough for this because as you will hear the next couple of weeks were not the easiest.  I then went on clear liquids on Monday.  This is something that I have done many times due to having colonoscopies.  I have had 12 colonoscopies in three years, however I am done with those now.

 

I began eating jello and drinking Gatorade.  I am a huge food guy so this is hard for me but I knew that it was something that had to be done.  I was also able to clean my house and get everything ready that I could because my parents were coming out to help with the family after the surgery and to be here with me.  I felt that this was the least that I could do because I knew that Censie was going to have her hands full after the surgery.  I then had to begin the cleansing drinks on Tuesday. 

 

I like to call it the liquid flu because as soon as you start drinking it you get so sick to your stomach that you do have to stand there by the bathroom.  My parents came later that night and I was able to spend some time with them.  These are all going to be times that I am going to and have looked back on with happiness because of being able to laugh and have joy with them.  The next day we had to get up super early to be at the hospital so that I could have surgery.  I will be working on that post soon, it is going to be a lot of medical jargon stuff since I don't remember much, thank goodness!  Thank you for following this journey and like I said I have a lot to put down on paper.  Thank you all for following me on this journey and please if you have any questions please leave a comment or email me!  

Secret Subject Swap!

Welcome to a Secret Subject Swap. 17 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts. 

 

 

Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts.  Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there:

 

www.BakingInATornado.com                             

 http://menopausalmother.blogspot.com/ 

http://lifeonthesonnyside.blogspot.com/

http://suburbiainterrupted.com/                             

http://www.bigaandlittlea.com                               

http://ibddaddyandme.blogspot.com

http://stacysewsandschools.wordpress.com/

www.3monkeysandamartini.com

http://sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com/

http://www.somethingclever2point0.com/

http://www.themommyref.blogspot.com/

http://rushingforbagels.blogspot.com

http://gocheapgohome.com

www.rebekaches.com

http://mooreorganizedmayhem.blogspot.com/

http://slackermomof4.blogspot.com/

http://www.mommyunmuted.com/

                

My subject is Share a bloggy goal that you hope to achieve this year.  It was submitted by http://www.bigaandlittlea.com . Here goes: 

So my goal this year is to tale over the Daddy blogging community (insert diabolical  laugh at this point).  No really I want to be able to grow my audience and share with other fathers and also others dealing with IBD and after Wednesday now dealing with an Ostomy.

This has been a major change for me over the last couple of days and actually I am in the hospital as I am writing this.  I have a permanent Ileostomy on my stomach so I will be blogging about how the surgery and the recovery goes. 

I am pretty new on the blogging scene so I am just starting off so I have a lot of goals. I think that I keep coming up with new goals everyday.   I think that there a lot of daddy blogs out there but I feel that there are several that control the whole scene and I would like to infiltrate that tight knit group and bring in a fresh look and also a armature approach.  I am not a professional writer, I actually suck at writing but I am not going to give up.  Thank you so much for everyone for letting me be part of this blogging post.  I will try and type more as the pain meds wear off but thank you again!

2013 Where to Go From Here?

Goals for 2013?!?!?

 

I have never been one to do New Year's Resolutions because I have never fully completed them so I am hoping that I can just complete these goals for this year.  I have had a lot of time these last couple of days sitting here to think about them :)

 

1. My goal is to be healthier this year.  I have had a lot of health issues over the past several years but with surgery happening on January 9th I am hoping to be able to move forward.  I put on 70lbs since being on prednisone and with this surgery I will be able to get off this drug.  I am also hoping that I will be able to work out more and be more active without having to worry about my illness. 

 

2. I am hoping to be a more present and active father and husband.  This also goes along with number one but when I am sick I am not able to do the things with my family that I want because of fear of being sick.  I want to be outside playing with my children and family as much as possible and make sure that they have a good time spending time with me.  I want my children and wife to know every day that I love them and how lucky I am to have them in my life.

 

3. I want to be more of an advocate for Ulcerative Colitis and now having an Ostomy.  I have told my close friends and family about this illness and how it affects me but I would like to be able to help others who are going through this illness.  It can have a huge impact on the individual but also the family, just ask Censie, I know she is done with this illness as well.  I think that we often times do not talk about this illness because of what we have to talk about but we have to spread the awareness of it so that is more accepted and understood.

 

4.  I want to read more.  I have a Kindle and have started reading again while in the hospital and I really want to keep reading more.  I want my children to share in the love of reading, Jude already loves books but this was something that I didn't do enough as a child.  I want them to see that it is important and enjoy a good book!

 

5.  I want to gain control of my anxiety and depression.  This has been something that has been a challenge for me.  I am seeing a therapist about it but I need to be able to gain person control of it.  I continue to worry about everything and beat myself up about things.  Also when this happens I shut down, right Censie?  I need to be better about understanding it and managing it so that I control it and it does not control me. 

 

6. I want to try and do more things that I want to do.  I want to start playing my guitar more, it takes practice but I never play it but really want to be able to play the guitar more.  I also want to start cooking more. This is something that I enjoy and I do have a interest in I just never do it or never try anything.  I want to try and commit to doing these things more often

Well this is my start to what I want go accomplish in 2013 and I hope to continue to add more and cross some things off as well.  Most importantly I want this year to be about my family and enjoying spending time with each other every day and knowing that we love each other fully each and every day as well.  Good luck to everyone else in 2013.

 

 

 

 



2012 What A Year!

2012 You Win!

 

I have been sitting here for the past couple of days thinking about how do I write a creative post for my first review of a past year  I have read over many blogs and have seen how many people have done their review, but I want to try and be somewhat original in my post.  I am still working on trying to find my blogging voice as many have said but I just started this blog fully a couple of months ago so I think that it will be coming so watch out!

 

 

This year has definitely been filled with its ups and downs.  We found out earlier this year that we were expecting our second child, as you know this was a huge point of excitement for Censie and I.  The pregnancy was not easy by any means but we welcomed Teagan on 10/20/12 and she is a beauty.  I consider myself very blessed to be the father to two wonderful children.  Now next years blog could be about the challenges of having two children and all that those things mean.

 

Jude had a good year, even had his first broken bone.  Have to love how kids want to put their fingers in doors.   The way that Jude is I have a feeling that we will probably be at the doctors for these types of things in the past.  He is pure boy and likes to be rough and tumble.  We celebrate his second birthday with a train themed birthday party, he loves his "Choo-Choos".  We were lucky enough to have my parents come out for the birthday party and Jude loved having both of his Grrrrmama's and Pa's at his birthday party.

 

Sadly we lost my Papa three days before Teagan was born.  This was a difficult and trying time for me. I was very saddened by the lost of my Papa but then also taking in the excitement of my daughter being born.  We knew that he had been sick for quite some time, but as everyone knows it does not make the passing any easier.  I continue to miss him and wish that he could have been here longer but know that he is watching over my family and I an is no longer in pain.

 

The last couple of months of this year as you can tell kicked our family's butt.  We had the death, the birth, the funeral, then Censie got sick and needed surgery, then I got sick and ended up in the hospital.  Censie's surgery went well and she was able to recover but during that time my Ulcerative Colitis flared up and I ended up in the hospital again.  We decided to move forward with the surgery option at this point for my Ulcerative Colitis and had a plan and were hoping to make it through the Holidays.  We made it to the 27th and then I ended up in the hospital again that is where this great post is being written from. 

 

This year has been very tough for health but the good news is that it seems like we will be starting 2013 moving forward.  I will be having a total proctocolectemy on January 9th.  Now I know that this is going to have its challenges because I will have a permanent Ostomy, a "Crap" bag as Censie calls it.  I am ready for these challenges and am ready to be healing and not just trying to maintain without any success.  This illness has run my life for the last three years and I am ready to grab life back and take it and run.

 

I am so excited for this upcoming year of hopefully good health and being able to have a life again.  Censie and I will be celebrating our 10 year anniversary this year, it is amazing!  We are trying to find something special to do.  I am hoping that we will be able to go up to the mountains more this summer with the family so that I can go fishing with Jude and teach him about my love of fishing.  I am excited to see my family grow and the children grow upand be more active with us.  I have a lot to smile about despite some of the low points of this year.  I hope that everyone has an amazing new year and a great 2013!!

 

 

 



John, Paul, George and Ringo!

I am just going to go ahead and put it out there The Beatles are the best band ever!!!! 

 

The Beatles were formed in 1957 but even here in 2012 they play a huge role in my life and the band and music are things that I hold very close to my heart.  I remember listening to my father's old vinyl records and being complete enthralled with the music.  As soon as I was able to get him to change the radio station we would listen to "Breakfast with the Beatles" as we would drive to church on Sundays.  Now besides baseball this was something that I was able to have a close connection with my father with. 

 

So how much did the band play a role in my life at this point.  Our two year old son is Jude, and yes he is named after the song "Hey Jude."  The only time that someone thinks different is when talking to my old Pastor and he puts out that it is also one of the twelve apostles and is referred to as Jude the brother of Jesus.  Sure if he wants to go with that then who am I to step in but it is definitely from the song (Shh don't tell him, good thing he doesn't read my blog :)  I am very proud of this because it is something that we hold very close and we share together.   

 

If you have ever spent any time with me you know that I have a huge love for music.  I am constantly listening to music in my car, at work, and at home as much as I can.  I am a huge fan of classic rock and have shared this love of music with my son Jude.  It is something that we have been able to bond over and share a love for. 

 

My wife recently took Jude to a library reading time and they sang some classic child songs.  Now don't get me wrong they all are great and Jude does love doing the "Hokey Pokey" and also "Head, Shoulder. Knees and Toes" but he also loves listening to music with mommy and daddy.  Censie posted something on facebook questioning on whether or not we should be teaching him more kids songs or continuing to share or love of music with him. Most people agreed that we should continue to foster he love for all different types of music, YAY US!!!!! Now Jude is only two years old but today on the way home from Grandma and Grandpa's he sang the first minute and a half of "Hey Jude" almost word for word.  My heart jumps for joy as I hear him singing in the back seat.  He knows that this is "His Song" as he says it.  Maybe someday I will tell him about the true story of the song. 

 

After partaking in "Hey Jude" we proceeded to listen/sing "Yellow Submarine".  Again my heart is just beaming with joy that we can share this time together.  I am glad that Jude enjoys music and has already started picking up the melody and the differences in the music as well.  I feel that there is a complexity in The Beatles music with all their different styles and sounds.  Jude also at this point can tell you who is in The Beatles and what instrument they play.  He will assign you instruments to play while singing the songs with him,.  He likes to play the guitar and piano, he really likes playing the piano with his grandma.  I am so thankful that he enjoys music, I am not going to force what music he has to listen to but I do want him to enjoy music.  I feel that listening to music is a great stress relief and provides individuals with a deep connection with something. 

 

So maybe I am not teaching him all the traditional child songs, I will be working on that so that he does feel like he knows those songs but will continue to foster the love for music within him.  I feel that there is nothing wrong with it, at least it isn't country music right?  

You Know You're a Parent When.......

You know you're a parent when...

you voluntarily will put your hands out to catch another person's vomit!  I never thought that this would be something that I would ever do, nor did I ever have the desire to do. 

Last night after we had a fun time at Zoo Lights we went to go eat and Jude got sick while we were eating. He has done this before but he was able to start feeling better, or so he told us, and we made the mistake of allowing him to eat more.  Now Censie had been sick all Saturday with a stomach bug but we did not think that Jude was sick.  He ate some food and we left.

On our way home he started complaining that his stomach hurt.  I found a place to pull over but then he said that he was feeling better. We got going again trying to make it home as soon as possible, you know trying to prevent the puking in the car fiasco.  We made it about five more minutes and he said that his stomach hurt again. I pulled over and got a paper bag and tried to get him to aim in the bag.  FYI a paper bag and vomit do not work well seeing how vomit is mostly water!! 

Jude ended up getting sick and without any other options I cupped my hands and tried to catch as much of the vomit in my hands to prevent it from getting on him.  It was a pretty useless attempt but I do have to say it was an attempt to help out.  This again is something that I never thought I would do but as a parent sometimes you just have to open your hands and let your child vomit!  I guess I got my initiation into dealing with a sick toddler as well!  

Heck Yeah I Can Bake!

I Did It I Made Cookies!

 

 

For those of you that don't know me very well I am a huge fan of the food network but rarely do I ever try and make anything.  It is one of my joys with food though.  It is funny I get so much enjoyment out of food but because of Ulcerative Colitis my body hates food.  Its a vicious cycle!  I wanted to try and do something fun this Christmas season with Jude.  I thought it would be fun to make cookies at home. 

 

Now I know that I could have gone and got the frozen dough or I could have bought the packaged mix and just made it, BUT NO I decided that I was going to make cookies from SCRATCH! 

 

Thankfully Censie decided that this sounded like a good idea and gave me a shot.  I found the recipe online and then we bought the ingredients and I made the cookie dough.  Now I know these are just basic sugar cookies but don't rain on my parade.  I was thankful that the dough at least looked like cookie dough.  I always used to eat the cookie dough more then the cookies but I have refrained myself and made the Adult choice that raw egg may not be good for my stomach.  I hate growing up!

 

We then rolled them out and Jude helped cut them out and we baked our cookies then.  He had a blast picking out the shapes and cutting out the cookies, now he did keep trying to eat the dough but we got a lot of cookies made.  He had a blast going through and decorating them with frosting and putting sprinkles on them.  Needless to say we went straight to the bath after this.  I think he had a great time, it take a while, but it was a great memory to share with Censie and him of making cookies.  I hope that I can start to cook and bake more I really enjoyed it!  Merry Christmas!