Gym what is that?

Sadly this is the truth. I know most of this is motivation and my choice, but that is also a very hard thing to change. 

I am going to throw myself out there and share with everyone but I am at one of my highest weight. I am currently 6'4" and weigh 236lbs. Now if that was muscle weight I would be a decent size football player however it is not muscle. 

I have a secret desire to be in much better shape than I am currently in.  When I see other guys that are in great shape it does make me jealous I am not going to lie. I think I struggle with my weight gain partly because I never struggled with it, however I know that was because of being sick. After I went on prednisone I gained 70lbs and have struggled since that time. I struggle now with having my ostomy. I do not want to overdue it and cause a hernia by doing something wrong. 

Part of why I don't like going to the gym is I don't like going by myself. It sounds stupid when I say it but it's the truth. I wish I had someone to go with me and to help motivate me and keep me going.   I hate feeling like others are looking at me or that I am doing an exercise wrong. 

I do want to be in a better physical shape, but the biggest part is I want to be healthier and more comfortable with myself. I have ran the Bolder Boulder twice, completed the fight for air stair climb, and used to be active playing rugby. Now I get winded chasing the kids, I know part of that is from developing asthma but it drives me nuts. I want/need to make a healthy change. I am hoping I can get motivated and will try to post updates. I hope that by sharing I can build up some motivation and make some changes. I appreciate any support you may have and are willing to share.

My goal is to be down to around 200-210 and feel more comfortable with myself. I want to have more energy and just be healthier. I hope I can write a "I did it" post later this year!  

I Can Never Participate in the Greatest Joke Ever Again!!!

This has to be one of the worst realizations I have had since I became an Ostomate in January 2013.  Due to having a stoma that produces gas and does it whenever it wants.  You know like while you are sitting in a a group of professionals and it is dead silent and Gustav the stoma lets one rip.  I have no control over this any more which means I can never be the father or grandfather that does the "Pull My Finger" joke.  Please allow me a moment of silence while I morn over this.  Thank you!

Absent!

Yes I am back again and I know that I have been absent for quite some time again.  I really want to keep up with this blog and make sure that it is useful as well I just keep letting life get ahead of me.  This last year has been very rough for my healing and health.  I had my proctocolectomy in January 2013 and have had multiple surgeries since that point.  We had a muscle flap surgery done in December 2013 to hopefully heal the wound but it has not closed completely yet.

I am at about 14 months at this point with an open wound from my Proctocolectomy.  It is hard for me mentally and I continue to struggle daily with this.  Not only for the last month have I been dealing with the open wound but I also have been dealing with packing the wound daily by myself.  Now I could go in and have it done again daily like last year but we know how hard that was financially so we thought we would try it this way.  I am thankful that we are not paying for a visit every day but it is hard mentally for me.

I really would like for this blog to be something that individuals enjoy reading and that I can support other fathers, and other individuals with IBD.  Now I am also part of the Ostomate community so that adds another area where I want this blog to go to.  I will be working on committing more to making sure that blog posts getup and are meaningful. Do you have any suggestions on what you would like me to write about?  I appreciate every one's support and you will be seeing more of me.  

Daddy why do you have a bag?

Dad you have a bag?  This is a question that I hear pretty frequently now a day from my son Jude!  He knows that I have an ileostomy and that I now wear a bag on my stomach.  He always asks why do you have a bag?  I have to explain to him that daddy was sick in his tummy but that this has made daddy feel better.  He then goes into to explain to me that I have poop in my bag.  I am glad he at least knows what is going on with itJ

 

These are the things that you have to deal with sometimes when you are an ostomate and a parent.  It has been a pretty large life change for the past 6 months.  I went in to the hospital on January 9^th for my surgery and I have been living with my "bag" ever since, and will be living with it for the rest of my life. 

 

Physically I have been feeling better up until recently.  My wound had healed to the point that I didn't have to go to the doctor daily anymore on May 16^th, but then in the first week of June I had problems with it. They just thought that it was something minor but I went in on the 12^th of July and the wound has reopened.  We are not sure why but I have to go in daily again to have a nurse pack the wound with dressing.  Let me tell you it is a BLAST!  Not only did this take a hit on my physically but I would say more so emotionally and mentally.  It is hard dealing with this wound that does not appear to be healing.  Overall though physically I am much better.  I am able to go out and do things with everyone without having to worry about being sick.  I do have to worry about bags coming off or leaking oh and the fun alien noises it makes but so far those have been far less common then when I was really sick and in a flair.  It is nice being able to plan to use the bathroom besides having to run to the bathroom while squeezing your butt cheeks together praying to all that is holy that you make it in time!

 

I am able to wrestle around with Jude but he knows that he has to be careful of my tummy because I have a bag.  It is an experience trying to potty train a little boy and living with an ostomy because things are done so much differently than how he does things.  He is just very curious about it but is not shy about telling people about my bag or wanting to see my bag in public, yeah that’s a fun one!

 

Mentally I feel that it has been harder than anything else.  If you have spent much time with me you know that I can be a little obsessive compulsive but I am constantly checking my back to make sure it is not leaking.  It can get annoying for others and for myself.  I also have not been dealing well with the self-esteem pieces. This will come and I know it and I am working with a counselor for it but it is a hard thing to deal with having a "shit bag" attached to your stomach every day.  There are days that I am angry at having to have it but I am trying to remain positive and remember that I am healthier with a bag than I was without one.  Overall the past six months have been an up and down roller coaster at times but I am glad that I can smile with Jude when he walks up and wants to see my bag or says why do you have a bag?  I want a bag too daddy! And I can smile at him and say I hope he doesn't but knowing that love makes it worth it!