Gym what is that?

Sadly this is the truth. I know most of this is motivation and my choice, but that is also a very hard thing to change. 

I am going to throw myself out there and share with everyone but I am at one of my highest weight. I am currently 6'4" and weigh 236lbs. Now if that was muscle weight I would be a decent size football player however it is not muscle. 

I have a secret desire to be in much better shape than I am currently in.  When I see other guys that are in great shape it does make me jealous I am not going to lie. I think I struggle with my weight gain partly because I never struggled with it, however I know that was because of being sick. After I went on prednisone I gained 70lbs and have struggled since that time. I struggle now with having my ostomy. I do not want to overdue it and cause a hernia by doing something wrong. 

Part of why I don't like going to the gym is I don't like going by myself. It sounds stupid when I say it but it's the truth. I wish I had someone to go with me and to help motivate me and keep me going.   I hate feeling like others are looking at me or that I am doing an exercise wrong. 

I do want to be in a better physical shape, but the biggest part is I want to be healthier and more comfortable with myself. I have ran the Bolder Boulder twice, completed the fight for air stair climb, and used to be active playing rugby. Now I get winded chasing the kids, I know part of that is from developing asthma but it drives me nuts. I want/need to make a healthy change. I am hoping I can get motivated and will try to post updates. I hope that by sharing I can build up some motivation and make some changes. I appreciate any support you may have and are willing to share.

My goal is to be down to around 200-210 and feel more comfortable with myself. I want to have more energy and just be healthier. I hope I can write a "I did it" post later this year!  

I can't believe I just said that!!!

I can honestly say that I had one of the biggest foot in my mouth moment as a parent this weekend.  Now there have been plenty of moments where I have caught myself saying something in front of the children that I shouldn't but this was different. 

I caught myself (or should I say I was caught by Censie, and appropriately called out by her) this weekend.  We were in the car driving around and Jude was playing how many questions can I ask in one car ride, which he is a professional at by the way, and began to worry about something.  To be honest I cannot even remember what he was worried about but it was another worry in a long string of worries.  Without even thinking I just told him "Jude you really have to stop worrying so much."

This is when the epic call out was initiated by Censie.  Yes she was completely just in calling me out.  I mean me the worrier who will worry about anything and will drive myself absolutely crazy because of my anxiety just told my anxious five year to stop worrying.  It is sad actually because I am a person that is very anxious and can turn the smallest thing into the biggest catastrophe in my head within seconds.  If someone told me to stop worrying I would be very upset and try to explain to them that I wish I could but I just can't, yet I expected my son to be able to in that instant just turn his brain off and stop worrying. 

I am hoping that I can teach him better than this.  I want him to be okay with who he is, even if that person deals with the same extreme anxiety that I do.  I want him to be able to understand what is going on within his head and to learn coping skills so he can be comfortable handling the situation.  I know one can not just turn it off but this comment came out in a time of frustration.  The hard part for me is controlling my own anxiety when Jude gets anxious.  It's a vicious cycle he gets anxious and then that makes my anxiety go up  and then I get frustrated.  I will work on my anxiety continually, but as stated I hope I can help him with his.

If you are dealing with a child who has anxiety here is an article I found helpful through Psychology Today:  https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/dont-worry-mom/201302/12-tips-reduce-your-childs-stress-and-anxiety

National Teacher's Day!

Today is National Teacher's Day so I would like to send a huge THANK YOU to all the amazing teacher's out there.  I have never been a great student.  I did not enjoy doing school work and I struggled in school.  People find it amazing that I had a better GPA in college, especially after I got married, but I had someone (Censie) pushing me to do the best that I was capable of.  

I was thinking today on who one of my favorite teachers was and it was an easy decision for me.  David Nykirk at Rangeview High School was probably the most influential teacher in my life.  Sadly I saw that he just passed away after a long battle with cancer this year.

Mr. Nykirk made me laugh and made learning fun.  I had him as a teacher for several classes and his sense of humor was amazing.  He always made a rule at the beginning of his class that if he had a heart attack to pick him up and carry him out of the building before trying to resuscitate him because he said that he didn't want to die in the school.  He also was my teacher for Greek Mythology and he would not let us say sex because we were in school so we had to say that the gods were holding hands.

Not only was his humor amazing but also his ability to push me to succeed.  I remember I turned in a paper to him and he read it and then gave it back to me laughing.  He told me that I had no reason to turn in a piece of shit like that because I was capable of much more.  For some reason that struck me because he didn't sugar coat it he just had higher expectations for me and wanted me to meet those.  

So again today to all my friends and family who have been teachers I say thank you and please continue to push our kids to do the best that they can.  I cannot wait to see how teachers are going to handle our kiddos!  Be prepared!!!