Merry Christmas!

         I know this is a few days late but 

               

Merry Christmas from my family to yours

Life gets busy

Happy Holidays everyone! 

I have to say that sadly this blog gets neglected when life gets busy.  I was looking back at my previous posts and my last one was in May of 2016.  Since that time though my son has turned 6, my daughter has turned 4, both of them started school (My son is in kindergarten, my daughter is now in preschool), I started a new job as a quality assurance manager (this has taken up a ton of my time), we went to Disneyland with both sets of grandparents, and Jamaica with my amazing wife Censie!

It has been an amazing time but I often times find myself sitting down at night and starting to fall asleep around 9 or not having motivation.  It sucks because I have enjoyed my time blogging but sometimes lack that internal motivation to just write and share what is going on.  I am going to work on trying to get this up and running again, hopefully with my new love of computer coding I can share my interests with everyone.  

As I am sitting here writing this right now my son is sick and I am eyeball deep in his new found passion: Pokemon!  I had no knowledge of Pokemon until recently but he has found a love for it and a shared passion with his classmates.  As I type I am watching a small yellow creature named Pikachu shock Team Rocket from the sky.  I know that with Christmas coming up this next week that I am going to have to learn more and more about Pokemon.  

I have learned as a father that it is not up to me to determine their interests and passions but to embrace theirs and share mine with them. If we have the same interests that is AWESOME but if not I need to take the time to learn about theirs and not pigeon hole them into only learning one thing.  I have learned a lot about dance, gymnastics, and princess from my daughter, and now Pokemon from my son!  It is fun, but I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would be watching Pokemon!  It goes to show you that you will do anything for your children!

I hope that everyone has a great Holiday season and Merry Christmas!  I hope to be back here many times in the upcoming year!  If you have any suggestions for posts I would appreciate any thoughts!

Gym what is that?

Sadly this is the truth. I know most of this is motivation and my choice, but that is also a very hard thing to change. 

I am going to throw myself out there and share with everyone but I am at one of my highest weight. I am currently 6'4" and weigh 236lbs. Now if that was muscle weight I would be a decent size football player however it is not muscle. 

I have a secret desire to be in much better shape than I am currently in.  When I see other guys that are in great shape it does make me jealous I am not going to lie. I think I struggle with my weight gain partly because I never struggled with it, however I know that was because of being sick. After I went on prednisone I gained 70lbs and have struggled since that time. I struggle now with having my ostomy. I do not want to overdue it and cause a hernia by doing something wrong. 

Part of why I don't like going to the gym is I don't like going by myself. It sounds stupid when I say it but it's the truth. I wish I had someone to go with me and to help motivate me and keep me going.   I hate feeling like others are looking at me or that I am doing an exercise wrong. 

I do want to be in a better physical shape, but the biggest part is I want to be healthier and more comfortable with myself. I have ran the Bolder Boulder twice, completed the fight for air stair climb, and used to be active playing rugby. Now I get winded chasing the kids, I know part of that is from developing asthma but it drives me nuts. I want/need to make a healthy change. I am hoping I can get motivated and will try to post updates. I hope that by sharing I can build up some motivation and make some changes. I appreciate any support you may have and are willing to share.

My goal is to be down to around 200-210 and feel more comfortable with myself. I want to have more energy and just be healthier. I hope I can write a "I did it" post later this year!  

I am not a babysitter!

Jokingly today after seeing this as a post on my wife's Facebook post I said that I wanted to be part of The Baby-Sitters club as a child. I had an older sister who read all the books. Her friends talked about being part of the club with Kristy, Mary Anne, Claudia, and Stacey (I did have to google the names I promise).

I thought it sounded cool to be part of a club. I was told by my sister I couldn't be part of the club, it's okay Heidi I love you and you put up with your annoying little brother tagging along a lot, so I'm sorry for bringing this up but I had to. 

As I got older I was able to babysit a couple of times, it was not always the most pleasant experience. I was glad to see someone calling out the statement that we are babysitting our own children. We as husbands, fathers, wives, mothers and humans have to stop diminishing our role as a parent and a father. 

It's a series of odd circumstances but I am actually very good friends with one of my old babysitters. I am so happy she is a friend and have the utmost respect for her but to be honest I remember nothing about her as a babysitter. There is a reason for that. Babysitters are individuals who are paid to provide care for another person's children. They are short term caregivers. They should not be a replacement for a parent, and parents should not act only as a babysitter. 

As a father I will never make this statement about my children. My children, even though they can drive me crazy like tonight, they are my world. I am their father. I care for them, feed them, dance with them, laugh with them and hold them when they cry. I love spending time with friends, but I will also choose my children over going out for a night. 

I am not saying I'm perfect by any means, I know I actually need to take more time for self care. It's something I'm working on. However I also love making memories with my two goofballs. We put on a record and dance, we ride bikes, and we check out bugs. I encourage every parent to embrace this experience we call parenthood. It is a tough journey and often times I feel like I've made a wrong turn or my map is wrong, however I love this journey and am making some awesome memories. No matter what though I love being a parent. 

Please let us stop deminishing our roles as parents, mothers or fathers and the influence we have in our children. Be present and be a parent and not just someone filling a spot to watch your children. I for one will always do my best to be the best parent I can be to my children. 

*this is not my picture I did use it after seeing it on Facebook. If you know who's it is please let me know so I can give credit. Thank you. 

I can't believe I just said that!!!

I can honestly say that I had one of the biggest foot in my mouth moment as a parent this weekend.  Now there have been plenty of moments where I have caught myself saying something in front of the children that I shouldn't but this was different. 

I caught myself (or should I say I was caught by Censie, and appropriately called out by her) this weekend.  We were in the car driving around and Jude was playing how many questions can I ask in one car ride, which he is a professional at by the way, and began to worry about something.  To be honest I cannot even remember what he was worried about but it was another worry in a long string of worries.  Without even thinking I just told him "Jude you really have to stop worrying so much."

This is when the epic call out was initiated by Censie.  Yes she was completely just in calling me out.  I mean me the worrier who will worry about anything and will drive myself absolutely crazy because of my anxiety just told my anxious five year to stop worrying.  It is sad actually because I am a person that is very anxious and can turn the smallest thing into the biggest catastrophe in my head within seconds.  If someone told me to stop worrying I would be very upset and try to explain to them that I wish I could but I just can't, yet I expected my son to be able to in that instant just turn his brain off and stop worrying. 

I am hoping that I can teach him better than this.  I want him to be okay with who he is, even if that person deals with the same extreme anxiety that I do.  I want him to be able to understand what is going on within his head and to learn coping skills so he can be comfortable handling the situation.  I know one can not just turn it off but this comment came out in a time of frustration.  The hard part for me is controlling my own anxiety when Jude gets anxious.  It's a vicious cycle he gets anxious and then that makes my anxiety go up  and then I get frustrated.  I will work on my anxiety continually, but as stated I hope I can help him with his.

If you are dealing with a child who has anxiety here is an article I found helpful through Psychology Today:  https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/dont-worry-mom/201302/12-tips-reduce-your-childs-stress-and-anxiety

Spring Time!

Spring Time!!!!

   When one is living in Colorado you never know what the weather is going to do.  A prime example of that has been the last couple of days for me.  On Tuesday I walked into work and we knew that a storm was coming so my coworker and I packed a bag and headed to the eastern plains of Colorado.  Now I am writing this post from my hotel room due to being stuck because of a blizzard.  

   With this being said though for the past couple of weeks we have had some pretty amazing summer which is one of the best parts of being in Colorado.  The kids have been really enjoying the warm weather as well.  Teagan has several times walked up to me to ask is it warm enough outside to play or ride or bikes?  Both of the kiddos have really started to enjoy being outside more as they get older. Teagan keeps asking to go to the park and swing on the swings!!

   The big thing this spring has been riding their bikes.  Teagan has been wanting to ride her big girl bike since she got it for Christmas.  I have really enjoyed watching them improve at riding their bikes, it even motivated me to get my bike out of the shed so that hopefully we can go for a bike ride together.  So far I have just spent a lot of time walking with them while they are riding, I can't complain though it is nice to get outside and I get a little exercise while walking.  It helps me get my steps in for my FitBit.  

   Jude has had a few struggles with riding his bike, the hardest part is that he cannot get out of his head ( I know Censie is laughing right now because he completely gets that from me).  Jude is so afraid that he is going to fall and get hurt.  He took a good fall this past summer right before his birthday and ever sense then he has been afraid.  It is hard for me because I get his anxiety but sadly his anxiety usually makes me anxious as well.  

  

   This week I found myself this week looking at websites trying to find the best way to teach him to ride a bike.  As I was talking to Censie about this she helped me come to a very good realization:  He is doing just fine!!!!  I was getting anxious that I have not been teaching him right or that he isn't getting it.  I should be celebrating all the successes that he has had so far this year.  He is doing so well despite his fears.  This was a good realization for me to make sure to spend more time celebrating the successes with my children.

  

   I hope that everyone is able to get out and enjoy the nice weather and have some good quality family time.  I hope that we can all celebrate the small successes with our kids and with each other.  I cannot wait for summer!!

Success in the face of anxiety!

Anxiety!

According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (http://www.adaa.org/) there are about 40 million adults in the United States living with anxiety.  I am one of those 40 Million and I am pretty sure that my son will be one of those as well.  Anxiety can be very mild but it can also be to the point where it consumes your entire being.  

I want to preface this post with the fact that my son has never formally been diagnosed with anxiety but he is only 5 years old.  That being said we know that I have been diagnosed with sever anxiety, this became fully apparent as I was dealing with my Ulcerative Colitis diagnosis and my ileostomy surgery.  Often times I see so much of myself in Jude and his behaviors.  The downfall to all of this is that you can see Jude getting anxious in many situations and that just sends my anxiety into a downward spiral as well and I am still learning to handle this.  

I was so proud of him this weekend and all of the things that he was able to accomplish despite his anxiety.  Jude has been in Tae Kwon Do for quite some time now and has been doing pretty well.  Just recently they moved him up to a more advanced class.  In this class he is the youngest one in his class, and this has been a struggle for him.  Also if you have ever met my son he likes to talk all the time, I know there are many parents who say this, but seriously the child never stops talking.  

This weekend he had to complete his first testing in his higher level class.  This made me anxious because its a TEST.  That word in and of itself causes anxiety.  The class went through all the pieces that he was going to be tested on and it was a lot of information.  They told us that he had to complete the first 14 moves of a form by himself.  This was something I was very concerned that he was not going to be able to complete.  He had to know the form as well as piece them together and complete them in sequence .  This also was going to be done in front of many other students and parents.  

We practiced many times and worked very hard.  Despite all the preparation you could see the anxiety building and it all came out on Friday.  I had been out on a business trip and when I returned I asked him if he wanted to practice because we had to make sure we were ready and out came the tears.  He was so nervous and anxious the only way he could express it was having multiple huge tantrums.  I honestly had my doubts and was worried that he wasn't going to move up.  

With all of that being said though we woke up Saturday morning and went to his testing.  We were one of the first ones there and did a couple of run-throughs and then came the moment that he was out there on the floor and he was in control of how everything went.  I was a wreck, I was nervous, and I was horribly anxious.  Jude however stepped up to the plate went out there and KILLED IT!  He went out with his class and stepped up to the challenge and completed every move.  I was so proud  of him.  I cannot express how excited I was to see him succeed.  He worked hard and was able to control his brain as we describe it and succeeded.  I hope that this is the first of many successes for him, however I know that all of his successes are going to come with many challenges but we will work through it and I know we will learn from each other.  There are many more celebratory Slurpees to come!

Here he is with his new belt and our Slurpee!  I am so proud of you Jude!